Does God ever knock on the door to your heart, just to say,
“Where am I?” “What is currently in my place?”
I can never seem to get away from those knocks.
I like to think of myself as a pretty independent person,
and along with that, a pretty strong person. But one thing I’ve learned is that
you are never strong enough to handle life on your own. As a Christian that’s
supposed to mean I hold fast to the Lord, but I continually find myself holding
to something else…usually it’s something ‘good’ and by good I mean not
necessarily an evil on its own—but if it’s taken the place of Jesus in my life,
for comfort, for truth, for identity…then it’s not too good after all.
I mean, just think about that for a second; if you’re
finding who you are, your worth, your truth and belief along with joy and value
in one thing (mind you, that thing could be a person or a hobby
or…anything really) how dangerous is that?!
Because people, things, hobbies, they let us down. And then
what are we left with?
For the past year it seems I’ve been in a constant battle
with the Lord, with relationships, (no I don’t mean romantically) but with
friendships. I have the hardest time trusting the Lord that he will give me
spiritual friendships that will encourage and point me back to him.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, you could say obsessing, but…I don’t…want
to…
And the truth is, God has given me some amazing friendships
with women, going to San Diego was a huge melting-of-Marissa’s-ice-block-heart
experience that I will treasure forever, and this year I have been blessed with
literally the best roommates I could imagine—so what’s missing? What in my
heart is off?
I was thinking about this today as Mama Wats and I drove
back through the winter wonderland of Iowa countryside to Shellsburg; and I
realized. IDOLS.
I was reflecting on my friendships with women in the past
year, and asking God, “WHY”. At one point I listed off a hefty lists of “I hate
this…” la tee da.
And then, in a soft still voice I thought: “What’s more important?”
Then in a spitfire-marissa-head-voice I responded “More
important than WHAT?”
“Then Me”
My head was buzzing with what that could mean, until I
started thinking about my hate mantra pity party I’d just thrown and realized,
I’m terrified of losing friendships or having them change, because I don’t
trust God, and my identity and truth is more in these friendships and people
and who they say I am, than in Jesus and who he says I am. Because of this, I
repeatedly place friendships in the center of my life, and tell Jesus “hey,
thanks for this friend, but now I got it, mmk?” And every time I do the earth
starts to rumble and the walls start to crumble—because God isn’t satisfied
with me being kind of okay, and content to rely on things that will fail.
For we have a God who isn’t content to let us stay in our
box of comfort, to stay in the drowsiness of sleep. We are meant to be alive.
And we are meant to have him.
“And in him you too
are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his
Spirit.” Ephesians 2:22
So I guess, I’m reminded of Exodus 20:3 “You shall have no
other gods before me.”
I don’t believe God gave the Israelites the Ten Commandments
to be a buzz kill. I believe he gave them because he loved them, and knew what
was best—he knows how idols fail and how they steal our hearts and attention
from him. He knows that putting our faith in anything but him will leave us in
the wake of disaster.
So, friends, I ask for prayer, that the Lord will turn my
heart towards him, that when I sway he will draw me back, and that my heart
will be softened and made stronger in the process—that my trust in the Lord
would grow because of his faithfulness.
And I’ll leave you with a song that basically wraps up my
entire life in a nutshell, anyone remember Barlow Girl?! This was my preteen
anthem:
